FOOD FOR THOUGHT: The lessons I have learned about how to cope with grief
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Little did I know that my last contribution to this column (May 2021) which looked at some aspects of death, would become so relevant to my own life, writes retired Free Church Minister Ian Allan.
One thing that death teaches us is that life itself is very real. What I mean is that when a loved one is taken from us by death, their life takes on an even more significant role.
When they are with us in the flesh, to a certain extent they can be largely ignored. They are just there. We go on with our lives, together and yet separately. We are not that conscious of them most of the time.
But, when they die, strangely enough, you become much more conscious of them. So much so that your emotional and personal awareness is often quite overwhelmed by this deep, deep sense of loss.
I mention my experiences here in the hope that lessons I have learnt may be of some and encouragement to readers. My own condition of suffering from long-term depression has made matters even more difficult to live through, but perhaps that gives me a greater insight into the sheer burden of grief.
My first major trial was when my wife began to develop symptoms of dementia, later diagnosed as vascular dementia. This form of dementia is more aggressive than some other types.
My wife lived for about two years after the initial diagnosis, and latterly her condition became very difficult to handle. This ended abruptly when she had a heart attack one morning and died within minutes, literally in my arms.
The horrors of these days have gradually subsided, but not completely.
Some thoughts and personal help:
The temptation to feel sorry for yourself is almost unavoidable, but it is of no help. I found that I really had to work at this and squash it before it got too big a grip on me.
Some suggest, maybe while working in kitchen or garden, that it is good to talk to the person as if they were still there. This did not work for me, because it meant living in a state of denial. Is it not a falsehood to pretend that they have not gone? It may help some people to cope and adjust, but I just do not see it in that light, and the truth has to be faced sooner or later.
The inclination to avoid images of the loved one, because it is so painful can be a challenge. This fear needs to be faced and challenged. We should not be afraid of the image, because it represents the truth. In the main, associated with good memories. Fight to keep them where they are.
A very useful fact I often had to cling too is the saying “This too shall pass". What you feel just now is not permanent. The shocking emotional impact of grief does lessen with time. Otherwise, you would not be reading these words!
Grief can become so burdensome that it eclipses all hope and meaning in life. A very helpful quote: “Grief … is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love”. If you have been blessed to love and be loved, then you must accept the price. We should be so thankful for all the love we have experienced, and humbly acknowledge this horrible thing called grief is part of the whole package of love.
Trying to get into a routine can help in a major way. The very act is demanding and yet can be very therapeutic.
Guilt can be a big problem for some. “I wish I had done this, or not done that”. It can make the situation intolerable. “If only …”. We have to bury these thoughts, simply because we cannot change the past, and dwelling on these matters only slows down the healing process.
Why? I just do not ask this question. If you have a good faith, there is no real problem. I know God loves me, and that has not changed. He clearly states in his word that all things work together for good, for those who love Him. Faith means I just trust him. I take him at his word. Too simple for some; but for me an incredible anchor.
What I have said above, is just the result of personal experience. Not a panacea for all grief, but maybe it will help some?
n Ian Allan is a retired Free Church minister.
